Undying Love

"It is a marvel to me why God allows characters like mine to defile His Church. I can only account for it with the thought that if I ever am perfected, I shall be a great honor to His name...The time may come when those who know me now, crude, childish, incomplete, will look upon me with amazement, saying, "What hath God wrought!" If I knew such a time would never come, I should want to flee into the holes and caves of the earth." -Stepping Heavenward, by Mrs. E. Prentiss

Do you ever feel like that? Please tell me I'm not the only one. I have felt that way so many times over the past few months - I despaired of ever being who I know I should be (and can be, with the Lord's help), but the Holy Spirit reminds me of how far God has brought me already. I wanted to just give up, but the Holy Spirit always encourages me. I was lonely, but the Holy Spirit always comforts me and has shown me once again how blessed I am to have my family. I was tempted to "beat myself over the head" for one thing or another that might have caused others pain, but the Holy Spirit offers forgiveness and peace. As I sit here pondering, tears flood my eyes; probably in part just because I'm an emotional teenager, but looking back over the past few months...God has been testing me. I'm afraid I have not successfully passed His tests - I suppose only He can answer that, however. Honestly I don't know that I can tell you what the purpose of the tests are - the extremely painful and confusing trials - but I can go on, because I know that I know that I know they are for my good. Somewhere along the road, someday soon, I will stand on a hill and look down over the path He chose for me and say with a smile and joyful tears, "I see!" Someday soon, I will be shown the whole front of the tapestry He is weaving, and will stand in awe of its beauty and perfection, in a way I can't fathom right now.

I know that it's worth it - trusting Him. It is a journey. I have had to put things into His hands about which I care very much: relationships, school, my future, even the words I speak and the thoughts I entertain...And I have to keep giving them to Him. It's as if, just when I think I have released something, I realize that I'm really still holding on to it, insisting that I have control over this aspect or that. When will I realize that He loves me more than I love myself or anyone else? That He knows what will bring me joy and satisfaction; He knows me better than I know myself. He knows where I am best suited for Him, and He knows how to get me there. His ways are so much higher, His thoughts not our thoughts. A way may seem right to me, and maybe it is - or maybe He has a better path; who am I to judge it?

Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. ~Victor Hugo

My soul has been on its knees much as of late; both in pain and gratitude. He gives me so many blessings I do not deserve. When trials come, shall we focus our thoughts on the light that we know is with us? For it is only through the night that one can reach the morning, and it may be that our time in "the dark room of faith" will prove to be the moment before the light begins shining most brightly.

"The night is far spent, the day is at hand..." Romans 13:12a